THE FAILURE OF HOPE & WANDEL
by Ambrose Bierce
From Mr. Jabez Hope, in Chicago, to Mr. Pike Wandel,
of New Orleans, December 2, 1877.
I will not bore you, my dear fellow, with a narrative
of my journey from New Orleans to this polar region.
It is cold in Chicago, believe me, and the Southron
who comes here, as I did, without a relay of noses
and ears will have reason to regret his mistaken
economy in arranging his outfit.
To business. Lake Michigan is frozen stiff. Fancy,
O child of a torrid clime, a sheet of anybody's ice,
three hundred miles long, forty broad, and six feet
thick! It sounds like a lie, Pikey dear, but your
partner in the firm of Hope & Wandel, Wholesale
Boots and Shoes, New Orleans, is never known to fib.
My plan is to collar that ice. Wind up the present
business and send on the money at once. I'll put up
a warehouse as big as the Capitol at Washington,
store it full and ship to your orders as the Southern
market may require. I can send it in planks for skating
floors, in statuettes for the mantel, in shavings
for juleps, or in solution for ice cream and general
purposes. It is a big thing!
I inclose a thin slip as a sample. Did you ever see
such charming ice?
From Mr. Pike Wandel, of New Orleans, to Mr. Jabez
Hope, in Chicago, December 24, 1877.
Your letter was so abominably defaced by blotting
and blurring that it was entirely illegible. It
must have come all the way by water. By the aid of
chemicals and photography, however, I have made it
out. But you forgot to inclose the sample of ice.
I have sold off everything (at an alarming sacrifice,
I am sorry to say) and inclose draft for net amount.
Shall begin to spar for orders at once. I trust
everything to you--but, I say, has anybody tried to
grow ice in this vicinity? There is Lake Ponchartrain,
you know.
From Mr. Jabez Hope, in Chicago, to Mr. Pike Wandel,
of New Orleans, February 27, 1878.
Wannie dear, it would do you good to see our new
warehouse for the ice. Though made of boards, and
run up rather hastily, it is as pretty as a picture,
and cost a deal of money, though I pay no ground
rent. It is about as big as the Capitol at Washington.
Do you think it ought to have a steeple? I have it
nearly filled--fifty men cutting and storing, day
and night--awful cold work! By the way, the ice,
which when I wrote you last was ten feet thick, is
now thinner. But don't you worry; there is plenty.
Our warehouse is eight or ten miles out of town,
so I am not much bothered by visitors, which is a
relief. Such a giggling, sniggering lot you never
saw!
It seems almost too absurdly incredible, Wannie,
but do you know I believe this ice of ours gains
in coldness as the warm weather comes on! I do,
indeed, and you may mention the fact in the
advertisements.
From Mr. Pike Wandel, of New Orleans, to Mr. Jabez
Hope, in Chicago, March 7, 1878.
All goes well. I get hundreds of orders. We shall
do a roaring trade as "The New Orleans and Chicago
Semperfrigid Ice Company." But you have not told
me whether the ice is fresh or salt. If it is fresh
it won't do for cooking, and if it is salt it will
spoil the mint juleps.
Is it as cold in the middle as the outside cuts
are?
From Mr. Jebez Hope, from Chicago, to Mr. Pike
Wandel, of New Orleans, April 3, 1878.
Navigation on the Lakes is now open, and ships are
thick as ducks. I'm afloat, en route for Buffalo,
with the assets of the New Orleans and Chicago
Semperfrigid Ice Company in my vest pocket. We are
busted out, my poor Pikey--we are to fortune and
to fame unknown. Arrange a meeting of the creditors
and don't attend.
Last night a schooner from Milwaukee was smashed
into match-wood on an enormous mass of floating
ice--the first berg ever seen in these waters. It
is described by the survivors as being about as
big as the Capital at Washington. One-half of that
iceberg belongs to you, Pikey.
The melancholy fact is, I built our warehouse on
an unfavorable site, about a mile out from the
shore (on the ice, you understand), and when the
thaw came--O my God, Wannie, it was the saddest
thing you ever saw in all your life! You will be
so glad to know I was not in it at the time.
What a ridiculous question you ask me. My poor
partner, you don't seem to know very much about
the ice business.
~~~~~~~ THE END ~~~~~~~
|
